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On Listening
When was the last time we took time – really took time – to listen to our spouse and to each child?
By Chana Mark L.C.S.W.
It is a challenging time.
We are confined indoors for much of the time. Our familiar schedules and routines are gone. The world of work, activities and daily interactions with people outside is remote from us. And no one can be sure when this will end.
Disruption and uncertainty breed anxiety, and adding to the toll, many of us are anxious about our livelihoods. Anxiety hijacks the mind and we make mistakes. Being cooped up makes us prone to being short-tempered. And we are spending hours at a time day after day with our families. How can we make it better for ourselves and for them?
Corona-life is slowing us down. We don’t have to be anywhere at a certain time because we can’t go out. We don’t have to make sure to get A, B and C done before the children come home because we are in. Maybe there is a silver lining here.
When was the last time we took time – really took time – to listen to our spouse and to each child?
Shortly after I got married my husband taught me something – that real communication is not talking. It is listening. Connection takes place when we listen to someone with enough attention, that we can be sure that we understood what he said and what he meant.
A number of years ago there was a poster that was very popular:
“I know you think you understood what I said but what you think I said was not what I meant.”
In the corporate workplace it was a common sight to see this posted on people’s bulletin boards. I’m sure you understand why many people related to this – because we misunderstand each other all the time. It takes mindfulness and sustained attention to be able to listen to people fully, and to be sure you know what they are trying to convey. It is something we need to work on to develop. What makes listening so difficult?
The human mind is a wonderful thing. It can work cognitively, to understand situations and solve problems, or associatively, which if left to itself is how thoughts flow. For example:
Mrs. Goldstein has just married off her daughter Rifky. When she saw how beautiful her daughter looked, she was filled with gratitude for having been able to raise a daughter who was as beautiful inside as she was outside. The next day her good friend Mrs. Bloch called to give her good wishes. The conversation when like this:
Mrs. G: Thank you. You know, right after the ceremony I saw how beautiful Rifky looked – (pause to organize her thoughts)
Mrs. B: (Remembering how beautiful her own daughter had looked at her wedding). Oh, yes, I thought the same thing. They look so pretty at the wedding!
Mrs. G: (Confused and a bit upset). Actually, I was saying something else. She was pretty but – I was thinking about -well – (should I go on? What if she doesn’t understand me?) how beautiful she is inside as well.
Mrs. B: Oh, yes. Rifky is very special.
Mrs. G: Yes, We are so grateful. (That we were privileged to raise such a beautiful daughter).
Mrs. B: (Grateful for what? That you married a child off? That you have the financial means to do so?) Yes, we have a lot to be grateful for.
Mrs. G: (Aware that something is amiss, but unable to put her finger on what went wrong here.)
Yes, we do. Well, thank you for listening.
Mrs. B: You’re welcome! Where are the young couple going to live?
Mrs. G: (Wants to get off the phone) Not too far away. I have to go now.
They end the conversation.
Here is another example.
10-year-old Gershon was on his way home from school. He was glowing. He could hardly wait to share the whole thing with his parents.
Avi Gross was – well, the class bully. Somehow, he managed to take advantage of everyone and could manipulate a situation to get the other kid into trouble. Today he snatched Gershon’s favorite pencil from his desk. It was in the middle of class, and Gershon was left fumbling for a pencil – and fuming. While the Teacher talked, Avi sat to his left, smirking. Gershon decided that he was going to take care of this. He’d have to think about how.
At recess Gershon went up to Avi and said, “I want you to give me my pencil right now.” He meant business. The class gathered around them, and Gershon knew they were on his side. “Right now,” he repeated, and took a step forward with his fists doubled.
“It’s recess,” said Avi.
“I don’t care. Right now.” said Gershon
Avi was cowed and walked back to the building with Gershon right behind him.
The teacher saw them go in and sighed. He had been struggling with Avi’s behavior for some time. The situation in Avi’s home was very complicated. He followed them to the classroom and positioned himself next to the door where he couldn’t be seen.
Avi went to his desk and started fumbling. “I can’t find it,” he whined. Gershon took a step forward, pinning Avi to his desk. “Give it to me.” Avi, moved to the side, rummaged in his backpack and pulled out the pencil. He was shaking. He ran out as fast as he could. Wow! He’s really a coward! Gershon thought.
Gershon then turned to go and stopped in his tracks. Before he could get a word out the teacher said, “Gershon, you handled that very well. I am proud of you.”
Gershon went into his house all ready to tell his mother everything.
“Hey Ma, do you remember Avi Gross?” As soon as she heard the name his mother thought, Oh no! Is that kid tormenting Gershon? Why haven’t they done anything about this yet? It’s time we called the principal.
“Gershon, enough is enough with this boy. Daddy will call the school tonight.”
“No, Ma, you don’t understand – “
“I understand very well – “
“No Ma, that’s not what I mean – I mean –“
Gershon felt confused and upset. If only his mother would listen!
Gershon’s mother saw that Gershon looked frustrated about something. Maybe I jumped in too fast, she thought. He looks like he wants to tell me something else.
She took a deep breath. “Gershon, let’s start over, okay? I see there is something you want to tell me.”
Relieved, Gershon started over. His mother listened from beginning to end. Then she said, “That was such a mature thing to do! You took action, but you thought about it first. Daddy will be so proud of you!
Gershon beamed.
Here are two every day examples of how we create muddle in a conversation without being aware of it. We are not aware of it because the words of the speaker spark something in our own mind and then in a flash, we are no longer connected to the speaker. We are connected to ourselves. It happens so automatically that we are not consciously aware that it happened. When we come back to the present we continue to listen, unwittingly filtering the speaker’s words through the tangle of our own perceptions.
Let’s look more closely at each example.
Mrs. Goldstein wanted to share an intimate experience with Mrs. Bloch. When Mrs. Bloch left Mrs. Goldstein remembering her own daughter’s wedding, she was not present enough for long enough to receive what Mrs. Goldstein wanted to share with her. Perhaps if she had been more attuned she would have understood when Mrs. G said, “We are so grateful.” She would have understood that deep feeling of gratitude of seeing a beautiful daughter under the wedding canopy, about to start her new life. Alternatively, if she had not understood she would probably have been attuned enough to ask, “What exactly do you feel grateful for?” The question would have deepened the connection, because it would show that she was listening attentively and was interested. Instead she lost the thread, and lost the connection.
Gershon has a wise mother. She realized that she had gone in the wrong direction because she saw that the dialogue between them wasn’t working. She saw his frustration and realized she needed to take a step back. She also realized that, if we see that we are not understanding someone or that they are not understanding us we can start over again, and this time the listener will really attend and the speaker will try to be clear. It is part of the human condition that we do not always get what we want the first time around.
As you read these thoughts about how much we must apply ourselves to really understanding the other and being understood, I am sure you are realizing that we have only touched the tip of a very deep iceberg.
Here are two every day examples of how we create muddle in a conversation without being aware of it. We are not aware of it because the words of the speaker spark something in our own mind and then in a flash, we are no longer connected to the speaker. We are connected to ourselves. It happens so automatically that we are not consciously aware that it happened. When we come back to the present we continue to listen, unwittingly filtering the speaker’s words through the tangle of our own perceptions.
Let’s look more closely at each example.
Mrs. Goldstein wanted to share an intimate experience with Mrs. Bloch. When Mrs. Bloch left Mrs. Goldstein remembering her own daughter’s wedding, she was not present enough for long enough to receive what Mrs. Goldstein wanted to share with her. Perhaps if she had been more attuned she would have understood when Mrs. G said, “We are so grateful.” She would have understood that deep feeling of gratitude of seeing a beautiful daughter under the chuppah, about to start a Torah life. Alternatively, if she had not understood she would probably have been attuned enough to ask, “What exactly do you feel grateful for?” The question would have deepened the connection, because it would show that she was listening attentively and was interested. Instead she lost the thread, and lost the connection.
Gershon has a wise mother. She realized that she had gone in the wrong direction because she saw that the dialogue between them wasn’t working. She saw his frustration and realized she needed to take a step back. She also realized that, if we see that we are not understanding someone or that they are not understanding us we can start over again, and this time the listener will really attend and the speaker will try to be clear. It is part of the human condition that we do not always get what we want the first time around.
As you read these thoughts about how much we must apply ourselves to really understanding the other and being understood, I am sure you are realizing that we have only touched the tip of a very deep iceberg.